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February 2012
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2012 Grammy Couch

Feb12
2012 12 Comments Written by Toast

10:45 PM: I’m not what you’d call a Whitney Houston fan, but Jesus, to get up there and sing this the day after she died? That takes some ovaries.

10:10 PM: Tracy on Adele: “She looks like a real estate agent.”

9:32 PM: Here’s the thing about Paul McCartney: It’s impossible to look at him and not think, oh my god, he was one of those kids who got off the plane with the mop top haircut and girls were fainting. He was one of the progenitors of rock and roll. Tracy just said “I’m sorry, but to me, Paul McCartney can do no wrong.” And yes.

9:17 PM: The Foo Fighters reaffirm my faith in rock and roll as a big, vibrant, moving thing that can still unite us. That sounds corny, I’m sure, but we’re losing that, we’re becoming musically balkanized, and it’s good when someone has a big enough sound and presence that it pulls everyone in and we say, yeah, this rocks.

8:25 PM: Ugh. Here we go…

8:17 PM: I never heard of Bruno Mars before five minutes ago, but damn, dude is rocking it right now.

7:34 PM: Major disagreement here over Taylor Swift. I think her dress looked absolutely stunning. Like, other-worldly gorgeous. Tracy, on the other hand, hated it.

7:30 PM: {times when a woman’s hair looks good pulled straight back from her forehead} = { }

7:07 PM: Ross Mathews, who is on Red Carpet duty with Kelly Osbourne, has a girl’s voice. Not a feminine voice. Not a stereotypical-ish gay voice. A girl’s voice. It’s like watching those identity-theft commercials from a few years back, seeing the wrong voice come out of his face. Unbelievably disconcerting.

6:54 PM: Oh, Katy Perry. You are awesome and you are all kinds of adorable. Why why WHY did you do that to your hair? Tonight of all nights you should look gorgeous. Why?

6:51 PM: Sasha Gradiva just walked in wearing something that looked like a cyborg/terminator appendage on one shoulder and arm. Utterly bizarre.

6:04 PM: Tracy: “OK, I know she died just before the Grammy’s, but I hope this isn’t a Whitney-Thon.” (I’m glad the nicer half of the Shire crew said that.)

6:00 PM: Red Carpet show on E! Yeah, I just had to check and make sure my nuts were still there.

5:23 PM: It’s Grammy Time! The awards show with the lowest awards-to-performances ratio takes over the television tonight. This can be a good thing or a bad thing. I was surprised at just how strong the performances were last year. Mumford and Sons were phenomenal. Muse’s rendition of “Uprising” might have been the best thing I’ve ever seen on an awards show. Some chick who looked like a young Madonna was there too, and she was mildly entertaining. But yeah, top to bottom, what a show. It was abnormally good, and I’m afraid of a regression to the mean.

Also, Adele. Please don’t let this be the Adele Invitational Grammy Awards. I know I’m a distinct minority, but I don’t get Adele. She’s not terrible by any means. She doesn’t make me rush to change the radio station or anything. But she’s not great either, and the hype around her befuddles me. Raspy, scratchy voice – not a beautiful voice at all. And man, her songs. I’m leaving/cheating/having sex with someone. Someone’s leaving/cheating/having sex with me. Bore. Dom.

Sorry, I just had to get that out of my system up front. I will relent now.

Anyhow, we’re looking forward to the Big Shew here in the Shire, and I do hope you’ll join us for the festivities.

Posted in Entertainment - Tagged ,

Virtual Couch™ – Super Bowl Edition

Feb05
2012 9 Comments Written by Toast

We’re just about four hours away from the kickoff of Super Bowl XLVI and the mood in the Shire is optimistic. I do not think this Patriots team is all that, my friends. I do not think so. They should have lost last weekend to the Ravens. Might have were it not for a strange scoreboard “malfunction” on that Ravens field goal attempt. Would have were it not for a mystifying non-call on that Ravens TD catch.

Who did they face before that? Oh, yes, God’s Own Quarterback, one Timothy Tebow. (…yawn…) Before that they had the Bye Week. And before that they won 13 games in the regular season. Not one of the teams they beat finished the season with a winning record. Not one.

The 2011/12 Patriots as Super Bowl champs? Come on, man!

Nope. Eli’s comin’ after that 31st-ranked pass defense. And the Giants’ ferocious pass rush is comin’ against Perfect Tommy. I won’t say it’s going to be a repeat of the last Super Bowl between these two teams because that would imply a closer game than I think we’re going to see. Calling it: Giants 30 – Patriots 21

Posted in Sports - Tagged , ,

Virtual Couch™ – Championship Weekend Edition

Jan22
2012 60 Comments Written by Toast

The headline of Hartford Courant sports writer Jeff Jacobs’ sports-section-leading piece in today’s paper reads: “Pats-Giants: Start the Crazy Clock”. (The online headline was cleaned up a bit, making clear this is just a prediction and that the Courant hadn’t mistakenly sent out tomorrow’s sports page today.) It seems a little rude for a professional writer to jump the gun like that but, honestly, it sure does seem like we’re on course for a rematch of 2008′s extraordinary tilt, doesn’t it? Do we really believe the Patriots aren’t going to steamroll the Ravens? Do we really believe that Alex Smith is going to get it done against a Giants defense that just smacked the shit out of Aaron Rodgers a week after smothering Matt Ryan? As the ESPN guys say, Come on, Man!

Ravens @ Patriots (3:00 PM): I wish that sense of inevitability wasn’t there on the AFC side of the ledger. Normally, yeah, I want to see the Super Bowl matchup that brings me the best football or at least the best story lines, but not where the Pats are involved. Keeping them as far away from another ring as possible is at the top of my wish list. I just don’t think Flacco and company have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting it done. Patriots 35 – Ravens 17

Giants @ Niners (6:30 PM): This should be a much more competitive game. You can’t dismiss San Francisco after everything they’ve accomplished this year. They are a substantial football team. There’s a lot of there there. And yet, at the risk of… well… OK, being corny, let’s say… um… fuck it: This Giants team has the Eye of the Tiger, dammit! They’ve got a vibe that they will not be denied. Giants 31 – Niners 28

Half hour until kickoff. Can’t wait.

Posted in Sports

2012 Golden Globes

Jan15
2012 196 Comments Written by Toast

11:00 PM: And with that, our revels are ended. Disappointing show, partly for the lack of Ricky, and partly for the anemic movie field this year. But still, good times here. See you for the next one, peeps.

10:56 PM: Ohthankgod. If War Horse had won I might have had a full-on breakdown.

10:42 PM: Really? The Artist? Ooooooooh, it’s silent. I really hate how susceptible critics are to gimmicks. Silent films weren’t silent for their artistic value; they were silent because we didn’t have the technology to synchronize audio and video recording yet. There’s nothing artistically superior about that.

10:36 PM: I’m torn. I want to see “Iron Lady” because I’m sure Streep is amazing in it and it’s cool to see “historical” movies about times I actually lived through, but seriously, Thatcher was just a two-bit Reagan, and that shit was lame in the bigs, let alone AAA.

10:18 PM: Just dawned on me in a truly frown-producing way that I haven’t seen “Justified” up for a single award all night. How is that possible when it’s the best show on television?

10:15 PM: Martin Scorsese has a 12-year-old daughter? Seriously?

10:12 PM: Robert Downey Jr.: That’s your Sexiest Man Alive. I don’t care what the supermarket rags say.

10:05 PM: Wow. The room just got *real* fuckin’ dusty.

9:58 PM: Morgan Freeman. I don’t know if he’s the original “Reassuring Black Man” but he does it better than anyone else. (If you’re not familiar with the concept of the “Reassuring Black Man” ask me about it in comments.)

9:24 PM: Here’s the thing: the “host” is supposed to present the presenters. That’s how it works. Presenters are not supposed to be introduced by Voice-Over Guy.

9:14 PM: I’ve only seen the trailers, but with “The Adventures of Tin-Tin” it looks like we’re getting dangerously close to the point where CGI animation can simply replace live acting. I keep having to blink and go “Wait, that’s not real?”

9:11 PM: I could not be more thrilled for Peter Dinklage’s win. Awesome. I’m glad he thanked George R.R. Martin, but I really wanted him to say “Thank you to George R.R. Martin for writing a series that features a kick-ass dwarf.”

9:05 PM: Michelle Williams just thanked the Hollywood Foreign Press for “putting in my hands the same award that Marilyn Monroe won fifty years ago.” I had no idea the Globes had been around that long. I thought they were, like, an awards show someone made up relatively recently because there just weren’t enough awards shows.

8:53 PM: I heard Ricky Gervais was hosting this thing. Anyone seen him around?

8:46 PM: I still can’t believe “War Horse” is a real movie. I mean, it’s a movie about a horse. A really inspiring horse, apparently. During a war. Really?

8:30 PM: Why am I still drinking wine when I don’t have to go to work tomorrow? WHISKEY!!! I’M COMING!!!

8:23 PM: Tracy and I both just realized that it’s “Downton Abbey”, not “DownTOWN Abbey”.

8:20 PM: Kraft Velveeta Cheesy Skillets: For those occasions when Kraft Macaroni and Cheese is just too classy.

8:15 PM: Ashton Kutcher cut his hair! Thank the gods. That weird Prince Valiant thing he had going on was an unbelievable eyesore.

7:00 PM: Heeeeee’s baaaaa-ack. In a milliondee-billiondee years I would not have expected Ricky Gervais to get invited back to host the Golden Globes again after the (utterly ludicrous) shitstorm that blew up following last year’s gig. Oh, da pooh babies of Howwywood got their fee-fees hurt? Let a week of (very expensive) garment rending commence. And yet… here he is! I guess NBC said “Hmmm, on the one hand, sensitive celebrities. And on the other hand, RATINGS, BABY!” So the rich and famous get to suck it up for three hours and we, the television audience, get treated to one of the funniest motherfuckers on the planet gleefully busting balls. (And ovaries.) Like Bart Scott said, can’t wait!

We’ll be tuning in for the pre-game red-carpet show at 7 PM. Join us in comments, and bring your best catty self along.

Posted in Entertainment

Virtual Couch™ – Divisional Round Edition

Jan14
2012 97 Comments Written by Toast

Howdy, ‘Shift!

And, uh, the rest of you. I guess. Welcome to the Divisional Round of the 2012 NFL Playoffs and to this cozy spot on the internet we call the Virtual Couch™. Grab a spot. There’s plenty of room.

I couldn’t be more stoked for this weekend. We’ve got some great games on tap today and tomorrow, then we’ve got the Golden Globes (with Ricky!) tomorrow night, and then we’ve got MLK Day to recover. It’s going to be freakin’ marvelous. I hope you’ve all got something fun planned, but I also hope you’re around for football.

On to the games!

Saints @ ‘Niners (4:30 PM): No question but that this is a tough one for the Saints. They’re playing on the road against a team with a top-tier defense and a running game that lets them control the clock. The Saints are favored by 3-1/2 going into the matchup, as if that’s any solace to their fans, but it’s way too easy to see San Francisco turning this into a slugfest and gutting out a win. In fact, that’s what I’m feeling*: ‘Niners 27 – Saints 24 (*Don’t hate me, ‘Shift. My predictions are usually the kiss of death.)

Broncos @ Patriots (8:00 PM): I know this much: If Tebow pulls this one out of his ass, tear up the stat sheets and make room for me on the bandwagon. There will be a picture of me Tebowing in front of the television, and it will be my profile pic for a long, long time. And, let’s see, I think this will be a sufficient jinx: Patriots 45 – Broncos 17

Texans @ Ravens (Sun – 1:00 PM): I have no particular dog in this fight and, truth be told, if chores are going to get done this weekend, it will probably happen during this game. That said, two cheers for the Ravens, if for no other reason than that a Raven’s victory will put a smile on our young Howard friend’s face. Ravens 21 – Texans 14

Giants @ Packers (Sun – 4:30 PM): Game of the Week, bitchez! Look, I know Aaron Rodgers is awesome (and also showing himself to be quite the funny man in these discount double-check ads). And I know Green Bay are the defending champs. And I know the game’s at Lambeau. But tell the truth: Aren’t you just getting that vibe from this Giants team all of a sudden? Giants 41 – Packers 31

(I went 2-2 last week, but I really only called one game – the Saints – accurately and even that prognostication only rounded into form in the fourth quarter when Brees and company hit the afterburners. Did NOT see that extraordinary defensive performance by the Giants coming. And, well… Tebow?)

Posted in Sports - Tagged ,

Virtual Couch™ – Wildcard Weekend Edition

Jan07
2012 160 Comments Written by Toast

Howdy, Couch Nation! Hey, apologies for going dark last weekend. We were a little too focused on getting out of the house in time to walk to the Lime Bar for the Jets game and I just totally spaced. But we’re back this week for Wildcard Weekend, so it’s all good.

It’s an insanely beautiful weekend here in the Shire. Temps topped out around 60 today. Joggers and cyclists everywhere. People walking around with no jackets, just taking it all in. Lovely. And yes, it’s a head fake before New England winds up and kicks us in the balls, but that’s not keeping me from enjoying the moment.

Anyhow! On to the games.

Bengals @ Texans (4:30 PM): All I know about the Bengals is they’re pretty hot right now, and all I know about the Texans is damn are they snake-bit. It’s crazy to pick against the team with the better D and home field, but I’m doing it. Bengals 21 – Texans 17

Lions @ Saints (8:00 PM): Much as I’m hoping for a good game here, I don’t see it happening. Brees and the Saints beat these guys by two TD’s a month ago when a playoff berth was already a foregone conclusion for them. Detroit’s looked pretty good at times this year, but they’re new at the whole being good thing. The Saints are not. Saints 48 – Lions 20

Falcons @ Giants (Sun – 1:00 PM): Now this should be a gem. Both of these teams have been putting up points by the truckload lately, and, if you forget a single December hiccup by each, both are heading into the playoffs brimming with confidence. Alas for Atlanta, home field is a big fucking deal when your home is the Meadowlands and you’re hosting a dome team. Giants 38 – Falcons 31

Steelers @ Broncos (Sun – 4:30 PM): I just did a double take when I saw that Denver was hosting. I’m sorry, winning your division is nice, but that’s a shitty rule. As to the game: It would be funny as fuck if Tebow and the Broncos derailed the Steelers. But, for a million reasons… no. Steelers 24 – Broncos 10

There you go. I’m on record. So when the Texans, Lions, Falcons and Broncos win, you can totally mock the hell out of me. Enjoy the games and I’ll see you in the tubes.

Posted in Sports - Tagged

2011 Year in Review

Jan02
2012 5 Comments Written by Toast

This is the traditional New Year’s Meme. Started doing it, hell, five years ago? I don’t know. But I like it, and I feel like doing it again. Stupid blog has to be good for something, right? So here we go!

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Purchased and used a chainsaw. Yeah. I’ll skin your ass raw.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn’t make resolutions last year. In fact, I explicitly settled for “vague good intentions” instead. I haven’t lost any weight, but I haven’t gained any either. That’s kind of an accomplishment. For this year? I have one goal: To run a 10K. And you can bet your ass I will. Take it to the bank.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

“Hey Hon, did any of my cousins have a baby last year?” “Yeah… I think Shea is new…”

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My beloved bird. I can’t even type this without my eyes welling up. I miss you, Stonie girl. I miss you every hour of every day.

5. What places did you visit?

China. No, really: CHINA. By far the most foreign place we’ve ever been to. Dalian, Beijing, Shanghai and Hong Kong. It was amazing. Seriously, we stood atop the Great Wall. We walked Tiananmen Square. We saw the Bund. We took a ferry across Hong Kong harbor. It’s still kinda surreal. (Thanks, Hank and Helen!)

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

Peace of mind. I was a wreck in 2011. I need to get my anxiety under control in a big way.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

October 29th. Snoctober. The Storm of the Millenium. If you weren’t here, you just don’t know. Driving through the storm back to our house and seeing shit ON FIRE in the middle of the street. Gathering up the birds, shoving them in the Prius, and getting the fuck out of Dodge. Driving up Route 10 in the pitch black, dodging downed trees by driving onto lawns. Almost passing out from panic. Huddled in the Bradley Airport garage trying to figure out where the hell to go because nobody – none of the area hotels – had power. Driving down 91 and 9 in a driving blizzard to reach safety with my mom and her friends in Stonington. That was one of the craziest and scariest experiences of my life.

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?

Learning Force.com and transitioning to the Cloud. Bold career move. Might just push my sell-by date back a few years.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I didn’t build the goddamned bookcase. I was supposed to build a bookcase. I suck.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I stepped on a cultivator and punctured the sole of my foot. That hurt like a motherfucker.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Pizza screens. Huge win. Making pizza at home shouldn’t give a person a coronary, and trying to get my pizzas to slide off the peel onto a pizza stone drove me to my wit’s end. Also, my chainsaw. I love you, chainsaw. Oh, also, my new glasses from Zenni Optical, who I can’t recommend highly enough. (Thanks, Gina and Bob!)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

The hundreds of line and tree crews who came to Connecticut to help repair our battered ass. I know they weren’t doing it purely out of the kindness of their hearts, but damn, those dudes were working 20-hour days to clear streets and restore our power. To the guys from Michigan who finally took the hanger off our power line and made it possible to get into our driveway, MAD props.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The piece of shit who lives down the road from us on the corner of Latimer and Simsbury Manor. Every weekend now since last spring he puts up half a dozen anti-Obama lawn signs. Disgusting shit. Obama = Hitler. If you voted for Obama you should hang your head in shame. Confuse a liberal: use facts and logic. I have to drive past this shit ten times a week. Look, put aside the fact that the asshole is dead wrong – confuse a liberal: use facts and logic? Methinks thou dost project too much – the thing is this: I hated George W. Bush more than anyone has hated anyone ever. But I didn’t pollute my neighborhood with my hate. I didn’t shove it in strangers’ faces day after day. It’s a scummy thing to do. Oh, and the son of a bitch has one that says “01-20-2013: End of an Error” too. I can not wait for Obama to be re-elected. I’m going to park in front of his house, point my finger, and laugh and laugh and laugh. Fucking scumbag.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Interest on our two mortgages. This answer won’t change for quite some time, I think.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Going to CHINA! Duh. Also, the UConn Huskies’ completely unexpected destruction of the Big East Tournament and the Big Dance. I’ve watched a lot of great UConn players and teams, but nothing beats what Kemba and company accomplished last March (and April). That was insane. Donyell, Ray, Ricky, Rip, Ben, Emeka… Welcome Kemba into the Huskie Hall of Fame.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

“Dive Into the Un” by Mike Doughty. Mystical. Self-reminding. Transcendent.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) Happier or sadder?
Sadder.
b) thinner or fatter?
About the same.
c) richer or poorer?
Richer. Finally wiped out our revolving credit card debt last spring.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Building. Creating. I mean, I did a couple of home brews, so there’s that. But I need to put more time into my hobbies. Not the drinking hobby. I do quite enough of that. The other ones.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worrying. It’s never worth it. Things almost never turn out as bad as you think they’re going to, and even if they do, what’s the point of pre-experiencing the bad shit?

20. How did you spend Christmas this year?

Dinner at our house. Tracy’s mother, father, father’s girlfriend, sister, sister’s friend, brother, and nephew. And, of course, my DEAF MOM. It was pretty chill.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

More times than I can count. Years later, my wife retains the ability to gobsmack me with how freakishly lucky I am.

22. How was work?

Interesting! I made a big move, transitioning over to the Salesforce.com development team. Learned a new platform and a new programming language. Love the technology. Not quite so thrilled with the monthly releases and the pace of activity and the constant pressure, but I’m getting used to it.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Justified. I have a large man crush on Timothy Olyphant.

24. What did you do for your birthday in 2011?

Went to the Cask Republic in New Haven. We were staying with Fridge down in Clinton, displaced by the storm, and so we took advantage and headed over there. Phenomenal beer selection and great atmosphere. Man, did I need that.

25. What was the best book you read?

Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. I wrestled with this bitch from May through December, taking a break in July to read A Dance With Dragons. It was incredible. It was a double-black-diamond literary obstacle course. Sometimes it felt like an unbearable slog and sometimes it was stupidly exhilarating. And, dealing extensively as it does with addiction, obsession, and like human foibles, it gave me a shit-ton to think about. Oh, and funny. No book has ever made me laugh until I was doubled over and red in the face in a public place.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

2011 was the Year of Mike Doughty. I was obsessed with him. Seriously, I would say, at a guess, that 80% of the time I spent listening to music this year was consumed by Mike Doughty. If you think I’m exaggerating, ask Tracy. His songs resonate with me in a way that is profound and utterly addictive. Which is – what? funny? ironic? – considering Doughty’s history with addiction issues. No artist has ever hit me in quite… this… way. He has joined Ben Folds as co-Poet Laureate of my soul. (Huge props to Angelos for the referral, btw.)

27. What did you want and get?

A new smartphone. And damn, has it been a mixed blessing. The Droid Bionic is, on the surface, a goregous phone. Dual core processor makes it fast as hell. Great, big, beautiful screen. But the thing has issues. Data connectivity drops constantly, necessitating a toggle to airplane mode and back, or a reboot, or sometimes a battery pull. Verizon and Motorola pushed a system update last month to fix the problem and it did exactly jack squat. Kinda wishing I’d held off for one more month and gotten the Droid Razr instaed.

28. What did you want and not get?

A winning Powerball ticket. Those douchenozzle investment bankers who already have more money than anyone needs can win Powerball, but not me, the guy who was custom-designed by the Flying Spaghetti Monster for a life of not working.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

Uh… Bridesmaids, I guess? Wow, really, take a look at 2011 in film and tell me you can remember a bigger pile of rubbish for movies. They should just cancel the Oscars this year.

30. Did you make some new friends this year?

Yep. Gina, Christienne and Amy, who we met through Debbie. Good people.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I wish the Democrats had called the Republicans’ bluff on the debt ceiling. Those fucking shitstains need to be taught a lesson. I don’t care how much economic chaos it would have caused. Anything that breaks the back of the Republican party is good for America.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

“Hon, how would you describe my personal fashion concept in 2011?” “Evolving.” It’s true. I’m growing up a bit. I like… sweaters. And Earth tones. And my new glasses are tres cool.

33. What kept you sane?

My wife. She is the tether that keeps me from flying off into outer space.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

The Republican party’s new version of nullification: Preventing a duly-passed piece of legislation (in this case the CPFB) from being executed on by refusing to confirm any nominee whatsoever to head the new agency. It’s sheer lawlessness. Every last one of these dirty fucks should be thrown in jail.

35. What political issue stirred you the least?

The War on Christmas. Moronic, but it won’t die. Happy Holidays!

36. Best sports moment?

The Jets beating the Patriots in Foxboro in the NFL playoffs. (sigh)

37. Who was the best new person you met?

Fridge’s new +1, Julie. Hope I’m not jinxing anything, but we think she’s a keeper. :-)

38. Burn any bridges?

Not that I’m aware of?

39. Best new restaurant you went to?

Mushroom Hot Pot in Dalian. So, so, so awesome.

40. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

Get outside your head. Get outside your head. Get outside your head.

I tag ALL OF YOU. Do it, bitchez!

Posted in Uncategorized - Tagged

Virtual Couch™

Dec24
2011 45 Comments Written by Toast

1:15 PM: Sanchez to Baker! Touchdown! J! E! T! S! Jets! Jets! Jets!

10:00 AM: Merry Christmas Eve, football fans. Welcome to the penultimate weekend of the 2011 NFL regular season, and to this special holiday edition of the Virtual Couch™. I don’t know about you, but it feels strangely out of joint to have a full slate of NFL action a.) on a Saturday, and b.) on Christmas Eve. We’ve got rooms to clean, gifts to wrap, food to prepare, and hey, wait, football?!? But you know what? We’ll muddle through. Because we’re muddlers, dammit.

Hey, at least the Jets will be on our teevee today. When I looked and saw that they were lined up against the Patriots for the fourth week in a row, I was filled with a deep, prickly annoyance. But yea, verily, the Football Gods looked upon my plight and showered mercy upon me, saying “Your Gang of Green is playing a foe from the NFC this fine day, and so they shall be broadcast by FOX for all the world to see (except for the mid-Atlantic states, parts of the midwest, and Arizona).”

Herewith, then, is the slate of games available in the Nutmeg State:

CBS Early: Dolphins @ Hateables
FOX Early: Giants @ Jets
CBS Late: Eagles @ Cowboys

After that disaster in Philadelphia last week, the Jets have their backs against the wall again. Of course, so do the Giants. This might as well be a playoff game for both teams. Let’s hope the home team, at least, plays like it. FSM knows I’ve seen enough bad Jets football for one season.

Anyhoo, I hope you’re all enjoying the start to your holiday weekend. If your travels bring you near a computer, by all means fluff up a cushion and stay a while.

Posted in Sports - Tagged

Virtual Couch™

Dec18
2011 50 Comments Written by Toast

Good afternoon, Couch Denizens. Getting this up a little late today because we just got back from Boston, where we attended my family’s annual Christmas bash yesterday. Feeling kinda beat, so let’s just get to it:

CBS Early: Dolphins @ Bills
FOX Early: Racist Mascots @ Giants
CBS Late: Belicheaters @ Tebows

This is the third straight week that the douchenozzle Patriots have knocked the Jets off TV for us, and we’re leaning heavily towards throwing in the towel and staying home. This is the worst time of year to get kicked out of your house on Sunday, and I’ve just had it. Hate to miss the Jets. Hate, hate, hate it. But unless we have a change of heart we’re parked here for the day.

See y’all in comments.

Posted in Sports, Uncategorized - Tagged

Moody Fruitcake Santos-McBirdstone (aka “Stonie”) 2007-2011

Dec16
2011 Leave a Comment Written by Toast

Stone passed away this morning. After two months almost to the day of fighting the good fight, she is gone. She had been getting noticeably weaker these past few days, dragging her limp, useless right foot around, unable to fly even between perches a few inches apart anymore, but still eating and occasionally fweeping. Then, this morning, climbing up the wall of the cage, she fell, and she must have broke something or ruptured something or something else because that was that. We tried to put her back on a perch but she returned to the floor of the cage. We nestled her and cuddled her for two hours. We proffered millet, but she wouldn’t eat. Shortly after 10 AM she began having what looked like a seizure. Not knowing how long it would last, we raced to the vet to give her a merciful end. She died in Tracy’s hand seconds before the doctor came in the room. She was four years old.

I think we did the right thing. We gave her every chance. Two months, two vets. A week-long stay at Kensington during our week of exile from the Storm of the Millenium. Steroids to slow the assumed swelling, antibiotics to fight any infection, fluids to flush her kidney. A second opinion from our vet at Roaring Brook. Allopurinol to treat for gout on the chance that the growths inside her were uric acid deposits and not tumors. Celebrex compound, an NSAID, which I administered to her nightly with a tiny little syringe, much to her annoyance. In the early weeks I explored surgery, scouring the web for information, but my own research and both veterinarians indicated that surgery on a parakeet was nothing more than a very expensive, very bloody, and very painful form of euthanasia. So we treated. And we waited. And now it’s over.

We had some good times together. Some quality time. She would sit on our shoulders and nuzzle against our necks. We were closer to her in the last few weeks than probably ever. So there’s that.

I know there are some of you scratching your heads that anyone could be so close to a parakeet. By way of explanation, I offer this: We can’t have kids. We can’t even have cats or dogs, due to my allergies. So we have birds. And we pour that latent energy, that familial affection, into our birds. The emotional attachment is as strong as anything I’ve ever experienced. And the grief – pre and post – is like nothing I’ve felt in aeons, if ever. No joke, I’ve cried more tears, by volume, in the past two months than I think I have in the rest of my life combined. It has been absolutely fucking brutal watching this creature I’ve bonded with and cared for be slowly taken away.

Tracy got her for me almost four years ago, for Christmas. I thought she was a dartboard at first, judging by the size and shape of the box. Instead, I unwrapped it and found a parakeet starter cage. And of course it made sense. My wife is an excellent gift-giver. I’d cultivated an enthusiastic following among the neighborhood birds, what with our vast array of feeders around the house. So why not have an indoor bird?

The next day we went to Petco and picked her out. There were so many to choose from, in dazzling blues and purples and whites and flourescent yellows. But I wanted the bog-standard green/yellow one making a ruckus. Something in me knew she was for me. When we got her home, we put her in the cage and she immediately climbed to the middle perch and set herself dead center and stared at me. I remember thinking, vividly, “You’re going to be trouble, aren’t you?”

She was, but in the best way. Not for nothing was her first name “Moody”. The first few weeks she’d alternate between backing her ass into the cage floor on the corner, trying to hide behind the birdie bathtub, with bouts of insane activity. Tall Bird (they do that when they’re scared). Typewriter Bird (lateral back-and-forth skittering across the perch). Happy Bird (clinging to the perch, flapping the wings at full power, as if to say “I’M A BIRD! I’M A BIRD! I’M A BIRD!”). She introduced us to all these behaviors.

Eventually, we finger tamed her. Late nights in the spare room playing “Step Up!” until she wearied of us broke her to the finger. Alas, we made the rookie mistake of letting her sit on our shoulders. This is bad, because the bird gets the idea at that height that it can boss you around. Many, many sharp pecks to the ears let us know that she intended to be the Alpha Bird of her new flock of three. Which she was, the Alpha Bird, even as the flock would later grow.

The name “Stone” came from something that popped into my head that I used to sing to her whenever I’d come in the room: “BIRD BIRD bird bird birdie McBIRDstone!” (to the tune of “Rock’n'Roll High School”). No idea where I got it from. But it stuck. Birdstone became her name. Then just Stone. Then Stonie. Occasionally Estonia. I’ll let Tracy tell the story about the Estonia song.

She loved the Beatles. Nothing got her fweeping and acking like the Beatles. If I ever wanted to perk her up, I’d put onSergeant Pepper’s. By the first guitar riff she’d be on a tear. Even this morning, nestled in Tracy’s bathrobe, in her last hours on this Earth, that song got a couple of peeps out of her. She liked a lot of different music – always upbeat stuff, she never cared for my hangover selections – but she loved the Beatles.

My favorite memory of Stone is from a weekend night a few months after we got her. Tracy and I were up in the office eating pizza. The cage was open, as it always was when we were home. We don’t believe in clipping, and our birds, fully flighted, have the run of the place. Anyhow, I’m sitting at my desk with a piece of pizza in front of me, minding my own business, surfing the internet, and suddenly there’s a flutter and a bird by my hand. She stepped up onto the crust, stuck her head out, and started tugging at a piece of cheese. I was impressed by her audacity.

That first summer we got her a companion, Ozzy (named not for the rock star, but for Ozzy Lusth, multi-season Survivor contestant and daredevil extraordinaire, just like our second ‘keet (the daredevil part)). It was unfair, it seemed, to leave her alone eight hours a day, every day, with just music to keep her company. Birds are highly intelligent and very social. They get depressed when they’re lonely. They’re even known to hurt themselves, plucking feathers in protest. Anyhow, that’s why we got her Ozzy. And then, later, we grew the flock to four, adding Abbie (short for the Abominable Snow Bird) and Monet (so named for her watercolor hues).

Stone grew more distant from us once she had other birds. They gravitate towards their own kind, like every other living thing on this planet. Humans will do in a pinch for flock mates, but we’re not the same. She was still the Emmisary, though. Still more than willing to get up on our finger and come with. She remained tame for us. As did we, for her.

She was a wonderful, beautiful creature, and a good friend, and she will be missed more than her tiny self could ever have comprehended. Goodbye, my little girl.

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