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Posts in category Entertainment

2012 Grammy Couch

Feb12
2012 14 Comments Written by Toast

10:45 PM: I’m not what you’d call a Whitney Houston fan, but Jesus, to get up there and sing this the day after she died? That takes some ovaries.

10:10 PM: Tracy on Adele: “She looks like a real estate agent.”

9:32 PM: Here’s the thing about Paul McCartney: It’s impossible to look at him and not think, oh my god, he was one of those kids who got off the plane with the mop top haircut and girls were fainting. He was one of the progenitors of rock and roll. Tracy just said “I’m sorry, but to me, Paul McCartney can do no wrong.” And yes.

9:17 PM: The Foo Fighters reaffirm my faith in rock and roll as a big, vibrant, moving thing that can still unite us. That sounds corny, I’m sure, but we’re losing that, we’re becoming musically balkanized, and it’s good when someone has a big enough sound and presence that it pulls everyone in and we say, yeah, this rocks.

8:25 PM: Ugh. Here we go…

8:17 PM: I never heard of Bruno Mars before five minutes ago, but damn, dude is rocking it right now.

7:34 PM: Major disagreement here over Taylor Swift. I think her dress looked absolutely stunning. Like, other-worldly gorgeous. Tracy, on the other hand, hated it.

7:30 PM: {times when a woman’s hair looks good pulled straight back from her forehead} = { }

7:07 PM: Ross Mathews, who is on Red Carpet duty with Kelly Osbourne, has a girl’s voice. Not a feminine voice. Not a stereotypical-ish gay voice. A girl’s voice. It’s like watching those identity-theft commercials from a few years back, seeing the wrong voice come out of his face. Unbelievably disconcerting.

6:54 PM: Oh, Katy Perry. You are awesome and you are all kinds of adorable. Why why WHY did you do that to your hair? Tonight of all nights you should look gorgeous. Why?

6:51 PM: Sasha Gradiva just walked in wearing something that looked like a cyborg/terminator appendage on one shoulder and arm. Utterly bizarre.

6:04 PM: Tracy: “OK, I know she died just before the Grammy’s, but I hope this isn’t a Whitney-Thon.” (I’m glad the nicer half of the Shire crew said that.)

6:00 PM: Red Carpet show on E! Yeah, I just had to check and make sure my nuts were still there.

5:23 PM: It’s Grammy Time! The awards show with the lowest awards-to-performances ratio takes over the television tonight. This can be a good thing or a bad thing. I was surprised at just how strong the performances were last year. Mumford and Sons were phenomenal. Muse’s rendition of “Uprising” might have been the best thing I’ve ever seen on an awards show. Some chick who looked like a young Madonna was there too, and she was mildly entertaining. But yeah, top to bottom, what a show. It was abnormally good, and I’m afraid of a regression to the mean.

Also, Adele. Please don’t let this be the Adele Invitational Grammy Awards. I know I’m a distinct minority, but I don’t get Adele. She’s not terrible by any means. She doesn’t make me rush to change the radio station or anything. But she’s not great either, and the hype around her befuddles me. Raspy, scratchy voice – not a beautiful voice at all. And man, her songs. I’m leaving/cheating/having sex with someone. Someone’s leaving/cheating/having sex with me. Bore. Dom.

Sorry, I just had to get that out of my system up front. I will relent now.

Anyhow, we’re looking forward to the Big Shew here in the Shire, and I do hope you’ll join us for the festivities.

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2012 Golden Globes

Jan15
2012 196 Comments Written by Toast

11:00 PM: And with that, our revels are ended. Disappointing show, partly for the lack of Ricky, and partly for the anemic movie field this year. But still, good times here. See you for the next one, peeps.

10:56 PM: Ohthankgod. If War Horse had won I might have had a full-on breakdown.

10:42 PM: Really? The Artist? Ooooooooh, it’s silent. I really hate how susceptible critics are to gimmicks. Silent films weren’t silent for their artistic value; they were silent because we didn’t have the technology to synchronize audio and video recording yet. There’s nothing artistically superior about that.

10:36 PM: I’m torn. I want to see “Iron Lady” because I’m sure Streep is amazing in it and it’s cool to see “historical” movies about times I actually lived through, but seriously, Thatcher was just a two-bit Reagan, and that shit was lame in the bigs, let alone AAA.

10:18 PM: Just dawned on me in a truly frown-producing way that I haven’t seen “Justified” up for a single award all night. How is that possible when it’s the best show on television?

10:15 PM: Martin Scorsese has a 12-year-old daughter? Seriously?

10:12 PM: Robert Downey Jr.: That’s your Sexiest Man Alive. I don’t care what the supermarket rags say.

10:05 PM: Wow. The room just got *real* fuckin’ dusty.

9:58 PM: Morgan Freeman. I don’t know if he’s the original “Reassuring Black Man” but he does it better than anyone else. (If you’re not familiar with the concept of the “Reassuring Black Man” ask me about it in comments.)

9:24 PM: Here’s the thing: the “host” is supposed to present the presenters. That’s how it works. Presenters are not supposed to be introduced by Voice-Over Guy.

9:14 PM: I’ve only seen the trailers, but with “The Adventures of Tin-Tin” it looks like we’re getting dangerously close to the point where CGI animation can simply replace live acting. I keep having to blink and go “Wait, that’s not real?”

9:11 PM: I could not be more thrilled for Peter Dinklage’s win. Awesome. I’m glad he thanked George R.R. Martin, but I really wanted him to say “Thank you to George R.R. Martin for writing a series that features a kick-ass dwarf.”

9:05 PM: Michelle Williams just thanked the Hollywood Foreign Press for “putting in my hands the same award that Marilyn Monroe won fifty years ago.” I had no idea the Globes had been around that long. I thought they were, like, an awards show someone made up relatively recently because there just weren’t enough awards shows.

8:53 PM: I heard Ricky Gervais was hosting this thing. Anyone seen him around?

8:46 PM: I still can’t believe “War Horse” is a real movie. I mean, it’s a movie about a horse. A really inspiring horse, apparently. During a war. Really?

8:30 PM: Why am I still drinking wine when I don’t have to go to work tomorrow? WHISKEY!!! I’M COMING!!!

8:23 PM: Tracy and I both just realized that it’s “Downton Abbey”, not “DownTOWN Abbey”.

8:20 PM: Kraft Velveeta Cheesy Skillets: For those occasions when Kraft Macaroni and Cheese is just too classy.

8:15 PM: Ashton Kutcher cut his hair! Thank the gods. That weird Prince Valiant thing he had going on was an unbelievable eyesore.

7:00 PM: Heeeeee’s baaaaa-ack. In a milliondee-billiondee years I would not have expected Ricky Gervais to get invited back to host the Golden Globes again after the (utterly ludicrous) shitstorm that blew up following last year’s gig. Oh, da pooh babies of Howwywood got their fee-fees hurt? Let a week of (very expensive) garment rending commence. And yet… here he is! I guess NBC said “Hmmm, on the one hand, sensitive celebrities. And on the other hand, RATINGS, BABY!” So the rich and famous get to suck it up for three hours and we, the television audience, get treated to one of the funniest motherfuckers on the planet gleefully busting balls. (And ovaries.) Like Bart Scott said, can’t wait!

We’ll be tuning in for the pre-game red-carpet show at 7 PM. Join us in comments, and bring your best catty self along.

Adnoying – Sweet Tea

Aug24
2011 2 Comments Written by Toast

The McDonald’s commercial with the cute pet-name chick where the dude thinks to himself “OK, I’m smart enough to notice that my favorite sweet tea is on the dollar menu, so, I can handle this right?” Every time I see this I think “Is that what passes for ‘smart’ in 2011? Noticing the presence of something on a menu?”

Posted in Life - Tagged ,

2011 Oscars

Feb27
2011 212 Comments Written by Toast

11:40 PM: The sound you hear is televisions across the country turning off in the middle of children singing. Good night, all!

11:35 PM: Seriously? The speech from one of the Best Picture nominees is the backdrop for the review of all ten nominees? Yeah, and then it WINS!!!! No one saw that coming. How unbelievably clumsy and ham-fisted a way to do things.

11:04 PM: “Triangle of Man Love” makes its debut in the popular consciousness.

10:45 PM: I think this bizarre turn as a country star might turn me off Gwyneth. Really, what the hell? It’s just one of the weirdest damned things. Oh, and she’s kinda terrible at it. Although it’s hard to tell with country.

10:38 PM: The 10 O’Clock hour of the Oscars is just punishing. Hey, it’s a work night and we’re keeping you up late and we just did a bunch of mildly-exciting awards to keep you engaged but it looks like you’re starting to flag a bit so how ’bout a bunch of second-tier awards for sound editing and shit?! Yeah, you know you want it.

9:33 PM: Just added The Fighter to our queueue. Available 3-15! We’ll probably get to it in a couple of years. We still have at least one movie from last year’s Oscars on there.

9:20 PM: I’m glad Sorkin won for best adapted screenplay. I hate being in the position I’m in every year of rooting for the one movie I’ve actually seen to win a bunch of awards when the others could very well be equally worthy, but I really thought The Social Network was fantastic.

8:54 PM: Did they pull the plug on Kirk Douglass? Can’t say I’d blame them. That was freakin’ painful.

8:44 PM: Anne and James aren’t exactly killing it here. Hosting is an art, and there really aren’t a lot of people who do it well.

8:26 PM: Only 3 minutes and 48 seconds to go!!!! (Seriously, TV producers: Stop with the countdown clocks.)

7:34 PM: Mark Ruffalo’s wife just grabbed Worst Dress honors, at least for the time being. When I first looked up and saw it, I thought some guy had given her his jacket and she had draped it over her shoulder. (Fuck, I almost had pronoun overload there.)

7:10 PM: Love the Miracle Whip “Pick a Side” ad. The anti-MW descriptions were priceless, if hopelessly wrong-headed.

7:07 PM: That was a fascinating interview with Jesse Eisenberg. First, either he’s still in character from the movie or he really is an awkward dude who talks kinda squirrelly. Second, the guy who played Mark Zuckerberg a.) doesn’t have a Facebook account and b.) doesn’t even own a television.

6:05 PM: Holy crap! Not one of the three of us watching The Social Network last night had even a hint of a clue that one guy — Armie Hammer — played both Cameron Winklevoss and Tyler Winklevoss. I just assumed they found a pair of strapping young acting twins. Wow.

6:00 PM: The crown jewel of the awards show season kicks off in two and a half hours, with the red carpet show only an hour away. Join us if you be watchin’.

2011 Grammy Awards

Feb13
2011 47 Comments Written by Toast

11:23 PM: OK, the big one… OhmyfuckingFSM… seriously? Muy, muy terrible. “We’re gonna go play another song, because we like music…” Really? Didn’t notice. And that’s a wrap. Goodnight, everyone.

11:05 PM: Holy shit, Marc Anthony is wasted. As was the award for Record of the Year. Lady Friggin’ Antebellum. The horror.

10:55 PM: That tickled me, hearing Eminem thank Paul Rosenberg. All I could think of were all those skits from Marshall Mathers. “Um… Dre gave me a copy of the new album and I just… *sigh* … Fuck it.”

10:50 PM: I was just about to ask if the full orchestra was really necessary for Streisand. Then I listened to her voice and was like, oh, OK.

10:43 PM: They just showed a movie trailer for (Little) “Red Riding Hood”. It was not a parody. I repeat: It was not a parody.

10:39 PM: Who’s this geriatric trying to act like a rock star?

10:35 PM: Going through the People Who Died montage, they show Dio and the singer from the Knack at the same time. Who gets the audio? One of the most recognizable vocalists ever? No, the lead from the band that is the paradigmatic “one-hit wonder”. Ugh.

10:30 PM: Playing music behind President of the Academy Guy doesn’t make him any less tedious.

10:19 PM: Holy shit is Eminem intense. Good to see he’s got his mojo back.

10:15 PM: Paging Nightshift: Your girl is on…

9:59 PM: Aw, c’mon, Katy. Seriously, with this boring shit? California Gurls, dammit!

9:47 PM: It has been so odd to observe the arc of Cee Lo Green’s — hold on, Gwyneth Paltrow is on my TV…. – OK, where was I? Oh yeah: Guy busts out with an internet ear-worm titled “Fuck You!” which becomes popular in large part because the chorus is “FUCK You!”, then gets invited to all sorts of shows where he cannot perform said song in its unadulterated form but must instead belt out “ForGET You!” It just perfectly captures everything that’s wrong with our society’s awkward relationship with swearing.

9:45 PM: Kings of Leon enlisted to give out a country award. I find that amusing. Also, Lady Antebellum sucks.

9:31 PM: Tracy and I both liked Mumford & Sons immediately. I will definitely be downloading them tomorrow.

9:26 PM: Watching this really is making me appreciate just how much a host ties an awards show together.

9:10 PM: I used to think the most nauseating thing about Justin Bieber was when he tried to act sexy. I was wrong. The most nauseating thing about Justin Bieber is him trying to act tough.

9:07 PM: So we have Usher to blame for the Bieber. I did not know that.

8:55 PM: I did not catch this woman’s name who’s singing right now, but she was on the Grammy’s last year with the exact same hairdo. It looks like she has a hair battering ram sticking off the front of her head. I wonder if it’s sat up there unchanged for the last twelve months. [ed: Apparently that is Janelle Monáe.]

8:54 PM: Help! My television’s broken!

8:45 PM: Forty five minutes in, one award handed out. Ladies and gentlemen… The Grammys!

8:39 PM: Uprising is a great fucking song – possibly the only good song Muse has ever recorded – but WTF was with the Gadsden flag kicking off the video? They’re not Wingers, are they?

8:36 PM: Hey, some horrible country chick is dragging her nails across a blackboard! Good time to work on our re-fi application…

8:25 PM: No, seriously, there are young children still up at this hour. Those shoulder implants are going to give them nightmares. Me too, quite possibly.

8:24 PM: Tracy: She was born with those shoulders?

8:21 PM: Nice! A song I like (“Hey, Soul Sister”) actually won an award! That never happens. And yes, I like Train. Sue me.

8:16 PM: Ha! So we’re sitting here checking out Jennifer Hudson and Tracy’s like “Wow, she’s lost a TON of weight!” First commercial of the first commercial break? Jennifer Hudson for Weight Watchers. Well played.

8:05 PM: Christina Aguilera was seriously busting out the Cookie Monster voice there. Hate, hate, hate when female soul/R&B diva types go to the Cookie Monster.

8:02 PM: Not a fan of starting an award show with a special tribute. Also, is there a host? What an odd, awkward way to kick things off.

7:55 PM: Check one-two. Check one-two. (tap-tap-tap) OK then. The 2011 Grammy Awards are about to get underway and I’m ready for the sordid (and rigged) spectacle to begin. Here I am now. Entertain me.

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Slices of Toast!

Feb13
2011 2 Comments Written by Toast

It seems like forever since I’ve fired up the Toaster and cranked out some slices. Today is the perfect day for it. Got a few small chores to do, nothing major, and a whole bunch of stuff – both read and unread – queued up in Instapaper and Google Reader that’s share-worthy. Might even be some stuff in my own brain. Ya never know!

Just saw an ad for a new reality show called Secret Millionaire. It’s like Undercover Boss, only they’re going to have a millionaire couple go slumming, literally living in a poor neighborhood and getting to know the “real heroes” who live there and then, presumably, giving them money. Am I wrong to find this premise incredibly repulsive, even by reality-TV standards? (Also, will they use this as the theme song?)

Neil Sinhababu, who I used to love reading over at Cogitamus but lost track of after he moved over to Donkeylicious despite the fact that I’m friends with him on Facebook – a situation I finally remedied today by adding said blog to my RSS feeds – posted an amusing riddle about butts last week in honor of the nineteenth anniversary of the release of Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back”:

You are curious whether your butt is big or small. Unfortunately, you lack the ability to accurately assess the size of butts. Fortunately, there are three rappers before you. You are of their preferred gender, so they are willing to collectively entertain exactly one yes-or-no question from you, to which they will each give an answer.

One rapper likes big butts and cannot lie. One rapper likes small butts and always lies. One rapper likes all butts but shares your inability to assess butt size, and will answer yes or no at random if asked whether a butt is big or small. You do not know which rapper is which. All the rappers know all other facts relevant to the situation, including everyone’s identity and butt preferences.

There’s more, so be sure to read the final, important twist before answering. I swear, I was on the right track with this and would have gotten it had my ADD not kicked in and sent me to the comments instead. (Hint: Read the descriptions of the rappers’ preferences very carefully.)

PZ Myers gets some seriously deranged email. You really do have to wonder about people who presume – or should I say “take it on faith” – that morality must proceed from some unseen supernatural force. I wouldn’t want to be around any of them if their faith in God were to be shaken for some reason.

Jonathan Cohn has a first look at the House GOP’s budget proposal, which seeks to slash funding for Pell grants, Head Start, the USDA’s food inspection program, and Title I grants which help fund school systems in poor areas. House Appropriations Committee chairman Hal Rogers described these cuts as targeting “excessive, unnecessary, and wasteful spending” and said that “hard decisions” were necessary in deciding where to cut. (Wait, if this shit’s truly excessive, unnecessary and wasteful, why was the decision hard?)

The important thing, of course, is that the rich got their tax cut extension. Nothing excessive, unnecessary or wasteful about that.

(BTW, my cousin-in-law Tom sent me an interesting newsletter by an economic analyst he’s a fan of. I’m only part way through it right now, but it reads kind of like James Kunstler’s pieces on Peak Oil, only if the subject were instead the public debt of developed nations and the crisis it portends. It’s important to remember that, while Republicans are a bunch of evil whores who use fear-mongering about the federal debt as a cudgel to achieve their political ends, there are plenty of others who, analyzing the situation in good faith, see it as a truly serious threat. It’s an unfortunate fact that the latter unwittingly give cover to the former, but there it is. And no, I’m not sure if I buy the alarmist interpretations of the debt crisis. I tend to think we could solve most of our problems by just letting tax rates return to their Clinton era levels. But what do I know.)

Roger Ebert, who I started following on Twitter a few months ago, posted a link yesterday in honor of Darwin Day to this outstanding (and lengthy) takedown of Ben Stein’s pro-creationist crockumentary Expelled that he wrote in 2008. It’s a great read. Two thumbs up. (Sorry.)

I recall seeing Ebert’s name a while back on a list of “famous atheists” and thinking “Huh. That’s cool. Always liked his movie reviews.” What I’m finding out is that the dude is about way more than just film criticism. He’s actually a bit of an intellectual bad-ass. (And yes, Furious, I dug up the Esquire interview you mentioned. Looking forward to it.)

And that’s all for this edition. Time for dinner. Gotta get all fueled up so I can live-blog the Grammys…

Posted in Blogging, Life, Politics - Tagged , , , , ,
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