Football and baseball, America’s two most popular sports, are not this way. You can isolate the One Cool Thing in those sports. The home run. The incredible touchdown pass. The clutch double. The key interception. You can rouse yourself from whatever else you were paying attention to, look at it in awe, and then go back to what you were doing.

Not so, in my opinion, with hockey (and soccer). The shot that scores the goal is rarely the Awesome Thing all by itself. It’s all the back and forth that led up to that shot that you weren’t paying attention to that made the Cool Thing happen. That’s why hockey (and soccer) are hard for Americans to love. And I implicate myself in this, most assuredly.

10:45 PM: I’m not what you’d call a Whitney Houston fan, but Jesus, to get up there and sing this the day after she died? That takes some ovaries.

10:10 PM: Tracy on Adele: “She looks like a real estate agent.”

9:32 PM: Here’s the thing about Paul McCartney: It’s impossible to look at him and not think, oh my god, he was one of those kids who got off the plane with the mop top haircut and girls were fainting. He was one of the progenitors of rock and roll. Tracy just said “I’m sorry, but to me, Paul McCartney can do no wrong.” And yes.

9:17 PM: The Foo Fighters reaffirm my faith in rock and roll as a big, vibrant, moving thing that can still unite us. That sounds corny, I’m sure, but we’re losing that, we’re becoming musically balkanized, and it’s good when someone has a big enough sound and presence that it pulls everyone in and we say, yeah, this rocks.

8:25 PM: Ugh. Here we go…

8:17 PM: I never heard of Bruno Mars before five minutes ago, but damn, dude is rocking it right now.

7:34 PM: Major disagreement here over Taylor Swift. I think her dress looked absolutely stunning. Like, other-worldly gorgeous. Tracy, on the other hand, hated it.

7:30 PM: {times when a woman’s hair looks good pulled straight back from her forehead} = { }

7:07 PM: Ross Mathews, who is on Red Carpet duty with Kelly Osbourne, has a girl’s voice. Not a feminine voice. Not a stereotypical-ish gay voice. A girl’s voice. It’s like watching those identity-theft commercials from a few years back, seeing the wrong voice come out of his face. Unbelievably disconcerting.

6:54 PM: Oh, Katy Perry. You are awesome and you are all kinds of adorable. Why why WHY did you do that to your hair? Tonight of all nights you should look gorgeous. Why?

6:51 PM: Sasha Gradiva just walked in wearing something that looked like a cyborg/terminator appendage on one shoulder and arm. Utterly bizarre.

6:04 PM: Tracy: “OK, I know she died just before the Grammy’s, but I hope this isn’t a Whitney-Thon.” (I’m glad the nicer half of the Shire crew said that.)

6:00 PM: Red Carpet show on E! Yeah, I just had to check and make sure my nuts were still there.

5:23 PM: It’s Grammy Time! The awards show with the lowest awards-to-performances ratio takes over the television tonight. This can be a good thing or a bad thing. I was surprised at just how strong the performances were last year. Mumford and Sons were phenomenal. Muse’s rendition of “Uprising” might have been the best thing I’ve ever seen on an awards show. Some chick who looked like a young Madonna was there too, and she was mildly entertaining. But yeah, top to bottom, what a show. It was abnormally good, and I’m afraid of a regression to the mean.

Also, Adele. Please don’t let this be the Adele Invitational Grammy Awards. I know I’m a distinct minority, but I don’t get Adele. She’s not terrible by any means. She doesn’t make me rush to change the radio station or anything. But she’s not great either, and the hype around her befuddles me. Raspy, scratchy voice – not a beautiful voice at all. And man, her songs. I’m leaving/cheating/having sex with someone. Someone’s leaving/cheating/having sex with me. Bore. Dom.

Sorry, I just had to get that out of my system up front. I will relent now.

Anyhow, we’re looking forward to the Big Shew here in the Shire, and I do hope you’ll join us for the festivities.

We’re just about four hours away from the kickoff of Super Bowl XLVI and the mood in the Shire is optimistic. I do not think this Patriots team is all that, my friends. I do not think so. They should have lost last weekend to the Ravens. Might have were it not for a strange scoreboard “malfunction” on that Ravens field goal attempt. Would have were it not for a mystifying non-call on that Ravens TD catch.

Who did they face before that? Oh, yes, God’s Own Quarterback, one Timothy Tebow. (…yawn…) Before that they had the Bye Week. And before that they won 13 games in the regular season. Not one of the teams they beat finished the season with a winning record. Not one.

The 2011/12 Patriots as Super Bowl champs? Come on, man!

Nope. Eli’s comin’ after that 31st-ranked pass defense. And the Giants’ ferocious pass rush is comin’ against Perfect Tommy. I won’t say it’s going to be a repeat of the last Super Bowl between these two teams because that would imply a closer game than I think we’re going to see. Calling it: Giants 30 – Patriots 21

The headline of Hartford Courant sports writer Jeff Jacobs’ sports-section-leading piece in today’s paper reads: “Pats-Giants: Start the Crazy Clock”. (The online headline was cleaned up a bit, making clear this is just a prediction and that the Courant hadn’t mistakenly sent out tomorrow’s sports page today.) It seems a little rude for a professional writer to jump the gun like that but, honestly, it sure does seem like we’re on course for a rematch of 2008′s extraordinary tilt, doesn’t it? Do we really believe the Patriots aren’t going to steamroll the Ravens? Do we really believe that Alex Smith is going to get it done against a Giants defense that just smacked the shit out of Aaron Rodgers a week after smothering Matt Ryan? As the ESPN guys say, Come on, Man!

Ravens @ Patriots (3:00 PM): I wish that sense of inevitability wasn’t there on the AFC side of the ledger. Normally, yeah, I want to see the Super Bowl matchup that brings me the best football or at least the best story lines, but not where the Pats are involved. Keeping them as far away from another ring as possible is at the top of my wish list. I just don’t think Flacco and company have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting it done. Patriots 35 – Ravens 17

Giants @ Niners (6:30 PM): This should be a much more competitive game. You can’t dismiss San Francisco after everything they’ve accomplished this year. They are a substantial football team. There’s a lot of there there. And yet, at the risk of… well… OK, being corny, let’s say… um… fuck it: This Giants team has the Eye of the Tiger, dammit! They’ve got a vibe that they will not be denied. Giants 31 – Niners 28

Half hour until kickoff. Can’t wait.

11:00 PM: And with that, our revels are ended. Disappointing show, partly for the lack of Ricky, and partly for the anemic movie field this year. But still, good times here. See you for the next one, peeps.

10:56 PM: Ohthankgod. If War Horse had won I might have had a full-on breakdown.

10:42 PM: Really? The Artist? Ooooooooh, it’s silent. I really hate how susceptible critics are to gimmicks. Silent films weren’t silent for their artistic value; they were silent because we didn’t have the technology to synchronize audio and video recording yet. There’s nothing artistically superior about that.

10:36 PM: I’m torn. I want to see “Iron Lady” because I’m sure Streep is amazing in it and it’s cool to see “historical” movies about times I actually lived through, but seriously, Thatcher was just a two-bit Reagan, and that shit was lame in the bigs, let alone AAA.

10:18 PM: Just dawned on me in a truly frown-producing way that I haven’t seen “Justified” up for a single award all night. How is that possible when it’s the best show on television?

10:15 PM: Martin Scorsese has a 12-year-old daughter? Seriously?

10:12 PM: Robert Downey Jr.: That’s your Sexiest Man Alive. I don’t care what the supermarket rags say.

10:05 PM: Wow. The room just got *real* fuckin’ dusty.

9:58 PM: Morgan Freeman. I don’t know if he’s the original “Reassuring Black Man” but he does it better than anyone else. (If you’re not familiar with the concept of the “Reassuring Black Man” ask me about it in comments.)

9:24 PM: Here’s the thing: the “host” is supposed to present the presenters. That’s how it works. Presenters are not supposed to be introduced by Voice-Over Guy.

9:14 PM: I’ve only seen the trailers, but with “The Adventures of Tin-Tin” it looks like we’re getting dangerously close to the point where CGI animation can simply replace live acting. I keep having to blink and go “Wait, that’s not real?”

9:11 PM: I could not be more thrilled for Peter Dinklage’s win. Awesome. I’m glad he thanked George R.R. Martin, but I really wanted him to say “Thank you to George R.R. Martin for writing a series that features a kick-ass dwarf.”

9:05 PM: Michelle Williams just thanked the Hollywood Foreign Press for “putting in my hands the same award that Marilyn Monroe won fifty years ago.” I had no idea the Globes had been around that long. I thought they were, like, an awards show someone made up relatively recently because there just weren’t enough awards shows.

8:53 PM: I heard Ricky Gervais was hosting this thing. Anyone seen him around?

8:46 PM: I still can’t believe “War Horse” is a real movie. I mean, it’s a movie about a horse. A really inspiring horse, apparently. During a war. Really?

8:30 PM: Why am I still drinking wine when I don’t have to go to work tomorrow? WHISKEY!!! I’M COMING!!!

8:23 PM: Tracy and I both just realized that it’s “Downton Abbey”, not “DownTOWN Abbey”.

8:20 PM: Kraft Velveeta Cheesy Skillets: For those occasions when Kraft Macaroni and Cheese is just too classy.

8:15 PM: Ashton Kutcher cut his hair! Thank the gods. That weird Prince Valiant thing he had going on was an unbelievable eyesore.

7:00 PM: Heeeeee’s baaaaa-ack. In a milliondee-billiondee years I would not have expected Ricky Gervais to get invited back to host the Golden Globes again after the (utterly ludicrous) shitstorm that blew up following last year’s gig. Oh, da pooh babies of Howwywood got their fee-fees hurt? Let a week of (very expensive) garment rending commence. And yet… here he is! I guess NBC said “Hmmm, on the one hand, sensitive celebrities. And on the other hand, RATINGS, BABY!” So the rich and famous get to suck it up for three hours and we, the television audience, get treated to one of the funniest motherfuckers on the planet gleefully busting balls. (And ovaries.) Like Bart Scott said, can’t wait!

We’ll be tuning in for the pre-game red-carpet show at 7 PM. Join us in comments, and bring your best catty self along.

Howdy, ‘Shift!

And, uh, the rest of you. I guess. Welcome to the Divisional Round of the 2012 NFL Playoffs and to this cozy spot on the internet we call the Virtual Couch™. Grab a spot. There’s plenty of room.

I couldn’t be more stoked for this weekend. We’ve got some great games on tap today and tomorrow, then we’ve got the Golden Globes (with Ricky!) tomorrow night, and then we’ve got MLK Day to recover. It’s going to be freakin’ marvelous. I hope you’ve all got something fun planned, but I also hope you’re around for football.

On to the games!

Saints @ ‘Niners (4:30 PM): No question but that this is a tough one for the Saints. They’re playing on the road against a team with a top-tier defense and a running game that lets them control the clock. The Saints are favored by 3-1/2 going into the matchup, as if that’s any solace to their fans, but it’s way too easy to see San Francisco turning this into a slugfest and gutting out a win. In fact, that’s what I’m feeling*: ‘Niners 27 – Saints 24 (*Don’t hate me, ‘Shift. My predictions are usually the kiss of death.)

Broncos @ Patriots (8:00 PM): I know this much: If Tebow pulls this one out of his ass, tear up the stat sheets and make room for me on the bandwagon. There will be a picture of me Tebowing in front of the television, and it will be my profile pic for a long, long time. And, let’s see, I think this will be a sufficient jinx: Patriots 45 – Broncos 17

Texans @ Ravens (Sun – 1:00 PM): I have no particular dog in this fight and, truth be told, if chores are going to get done this weekend, it will probably happen during this game. That said, two cheers for the Ravens, if for no other reason than that a Raven’s victory will put a smile on our young Howard friend’s face. Ravens 21 – Texans 14

Giants @ Packers (Sun – 4:30 PM): Game of the Week, bitchez! Look, I know Aaron Rodgers is awesome (and also showing himself to be quite the funny man in these discount double-check ads). And I know Green Bay are the defending champs. And I know the game’s at Lambeau. But tell the truth: Aren’t you just getting that vibe from this Giants team all of a sudden? Giants 41 – Packers 31

(I went 2-2 last week, but I really only called one game – the Saints – accurately and even that prognostication only rounded into form in the fourth quarter when Brees and company hit the afterburners. Did NOT see that extraordinary defensive performance by the Giants coming. And, well… Tebow?)

Howdy, Couch Nation! Hey, apologies for going dark last weekend. We were a little too focused on getting out of the house in time to walk to the Lime Bar for the Jets game and I just totally spaced. But we’re back this week for Wildcard Weekend, so it’s all good.

It’s an insanely beautiful weekend here in the Shire. Temps topped out around 60 today. Joggers and cyclists everywhere. People walking around with no jackets, just taking it all in. Lovely. And yes, it’s a head fake before New England winds up and kicks us in the balls, but that’s not keeping me from enjoying the moment.

Anyhow! On to the games.

Bengals @ Texans (4:30 PM): All I know about the Bengals is they’re pretty hot right now, and all I know about the Texans is damn are they snake-bit. It’s crazy to pick against the team with the better D and home field, but I’m doing it. Bengals 21 – Texans 17

Lions @ Saints (8:00 PM): Much as I’m hoping for a good game here, I don’t see it happening. Brees and the Saints beat these guys by two TD’s a month ago when a playoff berth was already a foregone conclusion for them. Detroit’s looked pretty good at times this year, but they’re new at the whole being good thing. The Saints are not. Saints 48 – Lions 20

Falcons @ Giants (Sun – 1:00 PM): Now this should be a gem. Both of these teams have been putting up points by the truckload lately, and, if you forget a single December hiccup by each, both are heading into the playoffs brimming with confidence. Alas for Atlanta, home field is a big fucking deal when your home is the Meadowlands and you’re hosting a dome team. Giants 38 – Falcons 31

Steelers @ Broncos (Sun – 4:30 PM): I just did a double take when I saw that Denver was hosting. I’m sorry, winning your division is nice, but that’s a shitty rule. As to the game: It would be funny as fuck if Tebow and the Broncos derailed the Steelers. But, for a million reasons… no. Steelers 24 – Broncos 10

There you go. I’m on record. So when the Texans, Lions, Falcons and Broncos win, you can totally mock the hell out of me. Enjoy the games and I’ll see you in the tubes.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Purchased and used a chainsaw. Yeah. I’ll skin your ass raw.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn’t make resolutions last year. In fact, I explicitly settled for “vague good intentions” instead. I haven’t lost any weight, but I haven’t gained any either. That’s kind of an accomplishment. For this year? I have one goal: To run a 10K. And you can bet your ass I will. Take it to the bank.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

“Hey Hon, did any of my cousins have a baby last year?” “Yeah… I think Shea is new…”

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My beloved bird. I can’t even type this without my eyes welling up. I miss you, Stonie girl. I miss you every hour of every day.

5. What places did you visit?

China. No, really: CHINA. By far the most foreign place we’ve ever been to. Dalian, Beijing, Shanghai and Hong Kong. It was amazing. Seriously, we stood atop the Great Wall. We walked Tiananmen Square. We saw the Bund. We took a ferry across Hong Kong harbor. It’s still kinda surreal. (Thanks, Hank and Helen!)

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

Peace of mind. I was a wreck in 2011. I need to get my anxiety under control in a big way.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

October 29th. Snoctober. The Storm of the Millenium. If you weren’t here, you just don’t know. Driving through the storm back to our house and seeing shit ON FIRE in the middle of the street. Gathering up the birds, shoving them in the Prius, and getting the fuck out of Dodge. Driving up Route 10 in the pitch black, dodging downed trees by driving onto lawns. Almost passing out from panic. Huddled in the Bradley Airport garage trying to figure out where the hell to go because nobody – none of the area hotels – had power. Driving down 91 and 9 in a driving blizzard to reach safety with my mom and her friends in Stonington. That was one of the craziest and scariest experiences of my life.

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?

Learning Force.com and transitioning to the Cloud. Bold career move. Might just push my sell-by date back a few years.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I didn’t build the goddamned bookcase. I was supposed to build a bookcase. I suck.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I stepped on a cultivator and punctured the sole of my foot. That hurt like a motherfucker.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Pizza screens. Huge win. Making pizza at home shouldn’t give a person a coronary, and trying to get my pizzas to slide off the peel onto a pizza stone drove me to my wit’s end. Also, my chainsaw. I love you, chainsaw. Oh, also, my new glasses from Zenni Optical, who I can’t recommend highly enough. (Thanks, Gina and Bob!)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

The hundreds of line and tree crews who came to Connecticut to help repair our battered ass. I know they weren’t doing it purely out of the kindness of their hearts, but damn, those dudes were working 20-hour days to clear streets and restore our power. To the guys from Michigan who finally took the hanger off our power line and made it possible to get into our driveway, MAD props.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The piece of shit who lives down the road from us on the corner of Latimer and Simsbury Manor. Every weekend now since last spring he puts up half a dozen anti-Obama lawn signs. Disgusting shit. Obama = Hitler. If you voted for Obama you should hang your head in shame. Confuse a liberal: use facts and logic. I have to drive past this shit ten times a week. Look, put aside the fact that the asshole is dead wrong – confuse a liberal: use facts and logic? Methinks thou dost project too much – the thing is this: I hated George W. Bush more than anyone has hated anyone ever. But I didn’t pollute my neighborhood with my hate. I didn’t shove it in strangers’ faces day after day. It’s a scummy thing to do. Oh, and the son of a bitch has one that says “01-20-2013: End of an Error” too. I can not wait for Obama to be re-elected. I’m going to park in front of his house, point my finger, and laugh and laugh and laugh. Fucking scumbag.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Interest on our two mortgages. This answer won’t change for quite some time, I think.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Going to CHINA! Duh. Also, the UConn Huskies’ completely unexpected destruction of the Big East Tournament and the Big Dance. I’ve watched a lot of great UConn players and teams, but nothing beats what Kemba and company accomplished last March (and April). That was insane. Donyell, Ray, Ricky, Rip, Ben, Emeka… Welcome Kemba into the Huskie Hall of Fame.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

“Dive Into the Un” by Mike Doughty. Mystical. Self-reminding. Transcendent.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) Happier or sadder?
Sadder.
b) thinner or fatter?
About the same.
c) richer or poorer?
Richer. Finally wiped out our revolving credit card debt last spring.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Building. Creating. I mean, I did a couple of home brews, so there’s that. But I need to put more time into my hobbies. Not the drinking hobby. I do quite enough of that. The other ones.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worrying. It’s never worth it. Things almost never turn out as bad as you think they’re going to, and even if they do, what’s the point of pre-experiencing the bad shit?

20. How did you spend Christmas this year?

Dinner at our house. Tracy’s mother, father, father’s girlfriend, sister, sister’s friend, brother, and nephew. And, of course, my DEAF MOM. It was pretty chill.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

More times than I can count. Years later, my wife retains the ability to gobsmack me with how freakishly lucky I am.

22. How was work?

Interesting! I made a big move, transitioning over to the Salesforce.com development team. Learned a new platform and a new programming language. Love the technology. Not quite so thrilled with the monthly releases and the pace of activity and the constant pressure, but I’m getting used to it.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Justified. I have a large man crush on Timothy Olyphant.

24. What did you do for your birthday in 2011?

Went to the Cask Republic in New Haven. We were staying with Fridge down in Clinton, displaced by the storm, and so we took advantage and headed over there. Phenomenal beer selection and great atmosphere. Man, did I need that.

25. What was the best book you read?

Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. I wrestled with this bitch from May through December, taking a break in July to read A Dance With Dragons. It was incredible. It was a double-black-diamond literary obstacle course. Sometimes it felt like an unbearable slog and sometimes it was stupidly exhilarating. And, dealing extensively as it does with addiction, obsession, and like human foibles, it gave me a shit-ton to think about. Oh, and funny. No book has ever made me laugh until I was doubled over and red in the face in a public place.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

2011 was the Year of Mike Doughty. I was obsessed with him. Seriously, I would say, at a guess, that 80% of the time I spent listening to music this year was consumed by Mike Doughty. If you think I’m exaggerating, ask Tracy. His songs resonate with me in a way that is profound and utterly addictive. Which is – what? funny? ironic? – considering Doughty’s history with addiction issues. No artist has ever hit me in quite… this… way. He has joined Ben Folds as co-Poet Laureate of my soul. (Huge props to Angelos for the referral, btw.)

27. What did you want and get?

A new smartphone. And damn, has it been a mixed blessing. The Droid Bionic is, on the surface, a goregous phone. Dual core processor makes it fast as hell. Great, big, beautiful screen. But the thing has issues. Data connectivity drops constantly, necessitating a toggle to airplane mode and back, or a reboot, or sometimes a battery pull. Verizon and Motorola pushed a system update last month to fix the problem and it did exactly jack squat. Kinda wishing I’d held off for one more month and gotten the Droid Razr instaed.

28. What did you want and not get?

A winning Powerball ticket. Those douchenozzle investment bankers who already have more money than anyone needs can win Powerball, but not me, the guy who was custom-designed by the Flying Spaghetti Monster for a life of not working.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

Uh… Bridesmaids, I guess? Wow, really, take a look at 2011 in film and tell me you can remember a bigger pile of rubbish for movies. They should just cancel the Oscars this year.

30. Did you make some new friends this year?

Yep. Gina, Christienne and Amy, who we met through Debbie. Good people.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I wish the Democrats had called the Republicans’ bluff on the debt ceiling. Those fucking shitstains need to be taught a lesson. I don’t care how much economic chaos it would have caused. Anything that breaks the back of the Republican party is good for America.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

“Hon, how would you describe my personal fashion concept in 2011?” “Evolving.” It’s true. I’m growing up a bit. I like… sweaters. And Earth tones. And my new glasses are tres cool.

33. What kept you sane?

My wife. She is the tether that keeps me from flying off into outer space.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

The Republican party’s new version of nullification: Preventing a duly-passed piece of legislation (in this case the CPFB) from being executed on by refusing to confirm any nominee whatsoever to head the new agency. It’s sheer lawlessness. Every last one of these dirty fucks should be thrown in jail.

35. What political issue stirred you the least?

The War on Christmas. Moronic, but it won’t die. Happy Holidays!

36. Best sports moment?

The Jets beating the Patriots in Foxboro in the NFL playoffs. (sigh)

37. Who was the best new person you met?

Fridge’s new +1, Julie. Hope I’m not jinxing anything, but we think she’s a keeper.

38. Burn any bridges?

Not that I’m aware of?

39. Best new restaurant you went to?

Mushroom Hot Pot in Dalian. So, so, so awesome.

40. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

Get outside your head. Get outside your head. Get outside your head.

I tag ALL OF YOU. Do it, bitchez!

1:15 PM: Sanchez to Baker! Touchdown! J! E! T! S! Jets! Jets! Jets!

10:00 AM: Merry Christmas Eve, football fans. Welcome to the penultimate weekend of the 2011 NFL regular season, and to this special holiday edition of the Virtual Couch™. I don’t know about you, but it feels strangely out of joint to have a full slate of NFL action a.) on a Saturday, and b.) on Christmas Eve. We’ve got rooms to clean, gifts to wrap, food to prepare, and hey, wait, football?!? But you know what? We’ll muddle through. Because we’re muddlers, dammit.

Hey, at least the Jets will be on our teevee today. When I looked and saw that they were lined up against the Patriots for the fourth week in a row, I was filled with a deep, prickly annoyance. But yea, verily, the Football Gods looked upon my plight and showered mercy upon me, saying “Your Gang of Green is playing a foe from the NFC this fine day, and so they shall be broadcast by FOX for all the world to see (except for the mid-Atlantic states, parts of the midwest, and Arizona).”

Herewith, then, is the slate of games available in the Nutmeg State:

CBS Early: Dolphins @ Hateables
FOX Early: Giants @ Jets
CBS Late: Eagles @ Cowboys

After that disaster in Philadelphia last week, the Jets have their backs against the wall again. Of course, so do the Giants. This might as well be a playoff game for both teams. Let’s hope the home team, at least, plays like it. FSM knows I’ve seen enough bad Jets football for one season.

Anyhoo, I hope you’re all enjoying the start to your holiday weekend. If your travels bring you near a computer, by all means fluff up a cushion and stay a while.

Good afternoon, Couch Denizens. Getting this up a little late today because we just got back from Boston, where we attended my family’s annual Christmas bash yesterday. Feeling kinda beat, so let’s just get to it:

CBS Early: Dolphins @ Bills
FOX Early: Racist Mascots @ Giants
CBS Late: Belicheaters @ Tebows

This is the third straight week that the douchenozzle Patriots have knocked the Jets off TV for us, and we’re leaning heavily towards throwing in the towel and staying home. This is the worst time of year to get kicked out of your house on Sunday, and I’ve just had it. Hate to miss the Jets. Hate, hate, hate it. But unless we have a change of heart we’re parked here for the day.

See y’all in comments.

I think we did the right thing. We gave her every chance. Two months, two vets. A week-long stay at Kensington during our week of exile from the Storm of the Millenium. Steroids to slow the assumed swelling, antibiotics to fight any infection, fluids to flush her kidney. A second opinion from our vet at Roaring Brook. Allopurinol to treat for gout on the chance that the growths inside her were uric acid deposits and not tumors. Celebrex compound, an NSAID, which I administered to her nightly with a tiny little syringe, much to her annoyance. In the early weeks I explored surgery, scouring the web for information, but my own research and both veterinarians indicated that surgery on a parakeet was nothing more than a very expensive, very bloody, and very painful form of euthanasia. So we treated. And we waited. And now it’s over.

We had some good times together. Some quality time. She would sit on our shoulders and nuzzle against our necks. We were closer to her in the last few weeks than probably ever. So there’s that.

I know there are some of you scratching your heads that anyone could be so close to a parakeet. By way of explanation, I offer this: We can’t have kids. We can’t even have cats or dogs, due to my allergies. So we have birds. And we pour that latent energy, that familial affection, into our birds. The emotional attachment is as strong as anything I’ve ever experienced. And the grief – pre and post – is like nothing I’ve felt in aeons, if ever. No joke, I’ve cried more tears, by volume, in the past two months than I think I have in the rest of my life combined. It has been absolutely fucking brutal watching this creature I’ve bonded with and cared for be slowly taken away.

Tracy got her for me almost four years ago, for Christmas. I thought she was a dartboard at first, judging by the size and shape of the box. Instead, I unwrapped it and found a parakeet starter cage. And of course it made sense. My wife is an excellent gift-giver. I’d cultivated an enthusiastic following among the neighborhood birds, what with our vast array of feeders around the house. So why not have an indoor bird?

The next day we went to Petco and picked her out. There were so many to choose from, in dazzling blues and purples and whites and flourescent yellows. But I wanted the bog-standard green/yellow one making a ruckus. Something in me knew she was for me. When we got her home, we put her in the cage and she immediately climbed to the middle perch and set herself dead center and stared at me. I remember thinking, vividly, “You’re going to be trouble, aren’t you?”

She was, but in the best way. Not for nothing was her first name “Moody”. The first few weeks she’d alternate between backing her ass into the cage floor on the corner, trying to hide behind the birdie bathtub, with bouts of insane activity. Tall Bird (they do that when they’re scared). Typewriter Bird (lateral back-and-forth skittering across the perch). Happy Bird (clinging to the perch, flapping the wings at full power, as if to say “I’M A BIRD! I’M A BIRD! I’M A BIRD!”). She introduced us to all these behaviors.

Eventually, we finger tamed her. Late nights in the spare room playing “Step Up!” until she wearied of us broke her to the finger. Alas, we made the rookie mistake of letting her sit on our shoulders. This is bad, because the bird gets the idea at that height that it can boss you around. Many, many sharp pecks to the ears let us know that she intended to be the Alpha Bird of her new flock of three. Which she was, the Alpha Bird, even as the flock would later grow.

The name “Stone” came from something that popped into my head that I used to sing to her whenever I’d come in the room: “BIRD BIRD bird bird birdie McBIRDstone!” (to the tune of “Rock’n'Roll High School”). No idea where I got it from. But it stuck. Birdstone became her name. Then just Stone. Then Stonie. Occasionally Estonia. I’ll let Tracy tell the story about the Estonia song.

She loved the Beatles. Nothing got her fweeping and acking like the Beatles. If I ever wanted to perk her up, I’d put onSergeant Pepper’s. By the first guitar riff she’d be on a tear. Even this morning, nestled in Tracy’s bathrobe, in her last hours on this Earth, that song got a couple of peeps out of her. She liked a lot of different music – always upbeat stuff, she never cared for my hangover selections – but she loved the Beatles.

My favorite memory of Stone is from a weekend night a few months after we got her. Tracy and I were up in the office eating pizza. The cage was open, as it always was when we were home. We don’t believe in clipping, and our birds, fully flighted, have the run of the place. Anyhow, I’m sitting at my desk with a piece of pizza in front of me, minding my own business, surfing the internet, and suddenly there’s a flutter and a bird by my hand. She stepped up onto the crust, stuck her head out, and started tugging at a piece of cheese. I was impressed by her audacity.

That first summer we got her a companion, Ozzy (named not for the rock star, but for Ozzy Lusth, multi-season Survivor contestant and daredevil extraordinaire, just like our second ‘keet (the daredevil part)). It was unfair, it seemed, to leave her alone eight hours a day, every day, with just music to keep her company. Birds are highly intelligent and very social. They get depressed when they’re lonely. They’re even known to hurt themselves, plucking feathers in protest. Anyhow, that’s why we got her Ozzy. And then, later, we grew the flock to four, adding Abbie (short for the Abominable Snow Bird) and Monet (so named for her watercolor hues).

Stone grew more distant from us once she had other birds. They gravitate towards their own kind, like every other living thing on this planet. Humans will do in a pinch for flock mates, but we’re not the same. She was still the Emmisary, though. Still more than willing to get up on our finger and come with. She remained tame for us. As did we, for her.

She was a wonderful, beautiful creature, and a good friend, and she will be missed more than her tiny self could ever have comprehended. Goodbye, my little girl.

Hey All, good morning and welcome to week 14 of NFL action here on the VC. Did you notice that I switched the position of the Couch graphic from left to right? That’s so people know it’s not the same post that was up last week. I’m thoughtful like that.

So Tracy and I are off to Damon’s Tavern again this week, as the allmighty cocksucking Patriots have once again commandeered CBS’s 1:00 PM time slot. You know, December is really not a good time to be bounced out of our house on Sundays. Too much to do this time of year. But, hey, god forbid Pats fans take second billing for a change. (sigh) At least Damon’s is a really cool sports bar. So we’ve got that going for us.

We will be back home for the late games, which will coincide with the assembly and decorating of our Holiday Tree. Egg nog will enter the picture at that point. There may be naps as well. I can’t believe some douche scheduled a 9:00 AM meeting tomorrow. There should be penalties for that. (Wait, I just checked my calendar! The 9:00 AM meeting I thought was tomorrow is next Monday. So, Woo Hoo for now, and I’ll bitch about that next week.)

But I digress. Here’s what’s viewable in the 860 today:

CBS Early: Fucktards @ Redskins
FOX Late: Saints @ Titans*
CBS Late: Raiders @ Packers

*And thank the Football Gods for that. If you look at the map, central Connecticut and the Pioneer Valley are getting the Saints game, but our surrounding areas, including eastern Mass, the Rt. 2 corridor, Capitaland (aka Angelosville) and the tri-state area around NYC are all stuck with Bears @ Broncos, which is going to be all kinds of shitty.

So that’s that with that. We’ll be checking in from the bar and of course later when we’re home. Enjoy the games.

Good morning, friends and readers, and welcome to another week of football, which is seemingly the only thing keeping this blog alive at the moment. (I will write more. At some point. I have sooooooo much to write about. But I have been preoccupied with distressing matters here in the Shire.)

Well, it took until Week 13 (might have happened when we were in China or displaced by the Storm of the Millenium also – not sure) but we finally hit one of those weeks where the Patriots and Jets are both playing at the same time, and since Connecticut is not considered a natural market for Gang Green, Tracy and I must do the Nomad Jet Fan thang and shuffle off to a sports bar to see Nacho and company take on the Racist Mascots of Washington, D.C.* We will be heading over to Damon’s Tavern in Hartford around 11:45 AM this morning. Damon’s won Hartford Magazine’s “Best Sports Bar” this year, and is described as having “an upscale sportsbar-like atmosphere with a modern fine dining flair” which is pretty much exactly what Tracy requested. We love you, Buffalo Wild Wings, but you’re a little too loud and crazy on football Sundays for our tastes. I like to be able to converse with people sitting within a four-foot radius without shouting. And I don’t care for middle-aged dudes pissing in the parking lot. Call me crazy.

Here’s what’s on tap for today in the Nutmeg State:

CBS Early: Colts @ Douchebags
FOX Early: Broncos @ Vikings
FOX Late: Packers @ Giants

I can scarcely imagine how bad the final score of that first game is going to be. The line was 20 points, something I have never seen before in my professional-football-watching life. And that’s not high enough. Unless Belichick instructs Brady to simply kneel out the entire second half I could see this game finishing 73 to 13. I’m going to request a table at Damon’s with a view of the Jets game and an obstructed view of the Pats game.

Packers at Giants should be interesting because, frankly, every Packers game is going to be interesting from here on out. This Green Bay team is a legitimate threat to do what the 2007 Patriots could not do (thanks to the magical efforts of this self-same Giants team in what I consider, no hyperbole, the Greatest Thing to Ever Happen in the History of Sports): Finish 19-0 with a Superbowl trophy. What Rodgers and the Pack are doing this year is truly amazing to behold. Every game is like watching football perfection. And since, unlike the Patriots, the Packers aren’t Evil Incarnate, I’m allowing myself to enjoy every moment of it. Hell, I really hope they pull it off.

Tonight gives us Lions @ Saints. Stafford is supposedly healthy this week, so it’s possible that Detroit could give our man ‘Shift a little heartburn. And Monday Night Football this week features Chargers @ Jaguars or, as I like to call it, “Hey, Honey, let’s watch The Sing Off‘s first annual Holiday Special!”

It’s December now, in case you missed it, and that means that fantasy leagues are wrapping up their regular seasons. It’s been a weird one, if you ask me. Seemed like the talent pool was unusually shallow this year. Bye weeks were a crazy bitch because there were just no appetizing free agents out there to pick up and plug in. Really, aside from DeMarco Murray, did any game-changing players bust out this year and give fantasy owners something to salivate over on the waiver wire? I can’t think of any.

In defiance of the “Nobody Cares About Your Fantasy Team” dictum, a quick summary:

Guns For Hire (Frat League): 11-1 and looking damned-near unstoppable. Aaron Rodgers, LeSean McCoy, Wes Welkuh, and the aforementioned DeMarco Murray (score!) have me thinking about back-to-back Superbowl wins.

Ballbreakers (Work League): 5-7 but, remarkably, still in the mix. A whopping five out of ten teams stand at 5-7 with two more at 6-6 (one of whom I play this week). I actually feel bad for our commissioner, who’s going to have to figure out the tiebreaker cluster. It should never have come to this, of course. After the third round of the draft I had Phillip Rivers, Chris Johnson, and Jamaal Charles. Which, in September, looked like a free pass to the playoffs, bye week included. But the Fantasy Football Gods doth laugh at the best laid plans of we mortals, don’t they?

Meanstreak (Angelos’ League): 2-10. And, seriously, I hate this fucking league and I’m out next year. The scoring system is retarded. Week in and week out, year after year, roughly the same players that take me to the playoffs in other leagues leave me at the bottom of the pack in this one. Too many dipshit bonuses, individual return yards, and a ludicrous array of team defense points. Fuck that noise. Change the scoring system to make it closer to standard leagues or kiss my fantasy genius ass goodbye.

Problem Child (TwoGlasses League): 9-3 and tied atop my division with Chris. Locked up a playoff spot, but the first-round bye hangs in the balance. I’ve got an odd crew in this one. Cam Newton at QB, Fragile Frank Gore, Welkuh, and Megatron. On a good week, they’re unbeatable, but as those three losses show, they’re not all good weeks. Hope they hang together, because I’d love to take home the title in my own blog’s fantasy league. Just once. Seems appropriate, you know?

And on that note, time to shower, don my Jets garb, and head out to Damon’s. As always, hope to see you in the comments.

(*I finally looked this up. Turns out that “when the period ending the abbreviation comes at the end of a sentence, it will also suffice to end the sentence.” I’ve been wasting extra periods for years.)

12:45 PM: OK then. Tracy and I are back from a brisk little bike ride into town to get moth traps for the pantry. Turns out these little bastards that have been getting into our provisions are flour moths (h/t: Julie). We’ve got to throw out just about all our flour, cereal, pasta, rice and whatnot, clean the pantry from top to bottom, and then lay these things down. Probably need to do a second pass on our snack/miscellaneous food stuffs cabinet as well. These things suck.

But first things first: Football!

FOX Early: Vikings @ Falcons
CBS Early: Bills @ Jets
CBS Late: Patriots @ Eagles

It feels like it’s been a month since the Jets last played. And, come to think of it, it has been that long since they played well. This is it for Gang Green. No margin of error. To have any shot at the playoffs they have to win out. I do not have high hopes.

On that note, it’s time to crack a beer. See you all in the comment tube.

Mornin’ all. Quiet day in the Shire on tap, chilling with the wife and birds and watching some football. Might get some reading done. Might get some chores done. Might not. Here’s what we’ve got on offer today:

FOX Early: Cowboys @ Redskins
CBS Early: Bills @ Dolphins
CBS Late: Chargers @ Bears

We will not be watching tonight’s game, that’s for sure. Chiefs at Patriots? Ugh. My Bloody Mary is starting to come back up just thinking about it.

Enjoy your day and hope to see you in the comments.

The Big Game doesn’t go down until tonight, when my J-E-T-S host the Hatriots at MetLife Stadium. A lot has changed since these two teams last met. The Jets have gone 3 and 0 and the Pats have gone 1 and 2. Sports pundits are starting to ask “What’s wrong with the Patriots?” It is my profoundest hope that, after their visit to the Meadowlands, the chorus asking that question will grow even louder.

There are three keys for the Jets to win this game. The first is to remember what got them their mojo back: the running game. Don’t look at that Pats’ defensive rank against the pass and start slinging the ball with reckless abandon; continue to set up the passing game with a power running game. The second is to keep Revis on Welkuh at all times. Unlike in years past, it really doesn’t seem like Brady has a whole lot of options after his number one guy — (Ocho Who?) — so if you take away Welkuh the game’s half won. And the third thing is… um… the third thing is… Oops.

(That’s not getting old any time soon.)

OK, so here’s today’s action:

CBS Early: Bills @ Cowboys
FOX Early: Cardinals @ Eagles*
FOX Late: Giants @ Niners

*I typically roll my eyes at Angelos’ complaints about the league’s programming decisions, but I’m with him on this one. What the hell makes the NFL think that upstate New York or Connecticut give a rat’s ass about the Eagles? With apologies to any Philadelphia transplants living in our areas, for the most part, nobody outside of Philly gives a shit about Philly teams. Many of us, in fact, find them actively repulsive.

Luckily, I don’t have to watch the battle of the birds and I’m actually looking forward to Buffalo at Dallas and Giants at San Fran. And with that, I’m out. See you in the comments.

Anyhow, we’re headed into Boston today to meet up with an old grade-school friend of mine. Going to have some brews at Boston Beer Works and watch the early games. Should be a good time. Probably won’t be on here much until later in the day.

Big game for the Jets today. They had a bye last week following a convincing win against the (recently devalued) Chargers, and now they’re off to the frozen-ish tundra of Buffalo to face the Mighty Bills. Pretty much everyone I’ve read is picking the Bills to win, and I can’t say I blame them. That victory over San Diego was the first time all season the Jets looked like a competent football team, and one win doth not a trend make.

Good luck to all* your teams** today.

*Assumes no Patriot fan readers.
**Especially the Giants.

CBS Early: Chargers @ Jets
FOX Early: Falcons @ Lions
FOX Late: Packers @ Vikings

It is fair to say that, six weeks into the season, I have reset my expectations for the J-E-T-S considerably. Based on what they’ve shown us so far, they have to be considered a long-shot to even make the playoffs. With the lone exception of Darrelle Revis’ continued stellar play, the rest of the team looks like someone unplugged them. Anemic on offense, easily exploited on defense, and occasionally even inept on special teams. I don’t get it, but I’m moving through denial and on my way to acceptance. They are not who we thought they were.

What say the rest of you about your teams’ performances thus far? Have the Howards checked out on the Cowboys for the season? (They sure seem to have checked out of the Couch. Just sayin’.) The Saints, Giants and Steelers are all sitting at 4-2. Any of their partisans see a dominant run on the horizon? Talk to me, people.

In fantasy news, I’m having a pretty decent year. 6-0 in our league, 5-1 in my frat league, and 3-3 in my work league (but there’s hope for that squad yet!). The only league I’m sucking in – as per fucking usual – is Angelos’ league, with it’s infuriating, head-scratching, expectation-exploding scoring system. Oh, and I’ve lost the past two weeks in that league by a combined total of 3 points. Ugh. Here’s my $50, don’t spend it all in one place.

OK, shower time, then breakfast, then maybe some pre-game chores. Hope to see you all for kick off.

Anyhow, no long preamble today. Just spent two hours getting the last of our China albums up on Facebook, and I’m running behind schedule now. Need to shower, get the ‘keets moved downstairs, check lineups and all that. Without further ado, today’s slate:

CBS Early: Titans @ Stillers
FOX Early: Seahags @ Giants
CBS Late: Jets @ Pats

Don’t really know what to say about my Jets right now. First they lose to the stinkin’ Raiduhs, then they look like absolute ass against the Ravens last week. The O-line is a mess, and it’s not just about Mangold being out either. Sanchez has shown no ability to compensate for the lack of protection. It’s just… bad. Ugly. Double-plus ungood. And today they stagger into Foxboro. Should be a ton of fun!

A major theme of this coverage is the group’s lack of a clear, focused message. The criticism is hardly new, and certainly not unique to OWS. In fact, it’s plagued the left since forever.

I’ve been to anti-war protests and pro-choice protests, and I found that both attracted the same travelling coterie of seemingly random elements (“Free Mumia!” “Free Peltier!” “Legalize It!” etc. etc.). This glomming on of fringe interests is not unique to the left – the Tea Party, despite being a largely corporate-organized Astroturf affair, attracted its share of unrelated right-wing nuttery – but it hurts us more because the media finds Dirty Fucking Hippies™ much easier to parody than they do the right’s corresponding contingent.

Assuming OWS can get its act together and focus on the economy, however, they still have a tough job to do in communicating a message that’s simple and accurate. The right’s economic message – Taxes Bad! Government Bad! Freedom Good! – is just plain easier to convey than the left’s more nuanced and complex view of the proper role of government in regulating the marketplace, policing corporate bad behavior, maintaining the commons (public infrastructure and whatnot) and providing a safety net for the less fortunate among us. That doesn’t fit on a bumper sticker.

But we on the left always make this messaging problem worse than it has to be. When we rail against capitalism we play right into that dirty hippy caricature. When we launch into tirades about the Republicrats and Demicans being wholly-owned subsidiaries of Wall Street whose explicit goal is to keep us in line while they do the bidding of the Plutocracy, we sound like tools. And when we talk about the need for revolution and overthrowing the system – and yes, a few among the activist left still do, and they’re often the ones who you’ll see viral videos of, not the sober, reasonable majority of us – you can hear the mind of Joe Sixpack slamming shut.

We need a message that’s simple and more accessible than that. Something that resonates with the non-politically-obsessed majority. And here’s what I think that message should be:

We want our share.

That’s simple, right? We’re not aiming to replace global capitalism with a Socialist Utopia. We’re not trying to recreate a European-style welfare state here in America. We’re not lazy assholes who want the government to take care of us. We’re not looking for a handout.

We just want our share.

Because for the past thirty years, we haven’t been getting it.

United States GDP has climbed steadily since the early 80′s, and corporate profits have climbed along with them. The shareholder class – and I’m not talking about you with the hobbyist E*Trade account or me with my 401-K – has done amazingly well. The top 10% has kept up with the pace of growth and the top 1% have seen their fortunes grow to Gilded Age levels.

But the middle class and working class? We got jack. We got wage stagnation. Our incomes have flatlined since Saint Reagan brought the dogma of low-taxes and deregulation as solutions to everything into our lives (and New Democrats rushed to become more “pro-business” in response).

The promise was that, unfettered by regulation and taxation and the demands of labor, the John Galts of America would be set free to create growth and opportunity for all. The reality is that they looked around and just decided to keep everything for themselves. The staggering amount of wealth our country has generated in the last three decades? All for them. Skyrocketing corporate profits? Straight into the pockets of the shareholders, and to hell with the employees who made it possible. Thirty years of riches. All for them, none for you.

(And you didn’t really call them on it, did you? Because you kept believing that some day, if you kept your nose to that grindstone, they’d reward you. Sucker.)

Remember, they didn’t create this wealth in a vacuum. We helped. We put in the hours at our desks, behind our counters, and in the factories. We gave them the consumer demand they needed by taking our paychecks (and our plastic) and ponying up for the stuff they were selling. We were part of the engine – the most important part, actually – that created the pile of gold they’re now hoarding. The myth of the Superman CEO and the Genius Investor notwithstanding, the financial elite didn’t suddenly start doing more to earn their share of the pie in 1980. They add about as much value as they did before (and to be fair, they have a role to play) and so do the rest of us. But they got to keep the loot.

So, you see, what Occupy Wall Street is trying to say – or at the very least what they should be trying to say – is simply that this state of affairs is fucked up, and it’s time for it to end.

We want our share of the wealth we helped create.

Not a handout. Not a free ride.

Our share.

3:06 PM: Cromartie intercepts McCown! Out at the one yard line! Shonn Greene into the end zone! Touchdown! J! E! T! S! Jets! Jets! Jets!

3:06 PM: Sanchez to Keller! Touchdown! J! E! T! S! Jets! Jets! Jets!

1:14 PM: McCown sacked! Safety! J! E! T! S! Jets! Jets! Jets! Yeah, this week could be a little easier on the blood pressure.

1:10 PM: Sanchez to Holmes! Touchdown! J! E! T! S! Jets! Jets! Jets!

11:00 AM: Howdy, football fans! Busy weekend here in the Shire. Yesterday I continued the revamping of our office, assembling a pair of Hemnes desks from IKEA and swapping them in for my sagging, 12-year-old workstation and Tracy’s hand-me-down particle-board affair. Today we’re on a cleaning spree, getting the downstairs ship shape for a football Sunday visit from Fridge and his +1. (For which reason, also, my virtual socializing will be a bit muted today.)

So, can week two match the craziness and unpredictability of week one? We had four epic smackdowns – three of them completely unexpected (the fourth, the Indy loss to Houston, wasn’t all that shocking) – plus a couple of great slugfests on Thursday night and Sunday night.

I heard quite a bit from people about the Jets’ Sunday night performance. Seems a lot of you went to bed when the Cowboys were up 24-10 in the fourth quarter. And I can’t say I blame you! I was ready to write my guys off too. But man, just when I started hearing that dirge-like “Same Old Jets” theme music start up in my brain, a resilient Gang Green took advantage of Romo-being-Romo and pulled off a stunner.

This week’s Jets matchup should – should – prove just a tad less stressful. The Jaguars defense is far more exploitable in the passing game than the Cowboys, and Nacho and his receivers fared quite well against that group. I foresee 300 yards and 3 TD’s from Jets passing game, with a defensive TD thrown in as well. Not expecting much from the running game, on the other hand. JAX held Chris Johnson to 26 yards last week, and our O-line is giving our backs no daylight to run through.

Here’s the menu for this gorgeous, crisp, sunny day in southern New England:

CBS Early: Jag-u-wires @ J-E-T-S
FOX Early: Bears @ Saints
CBS Late: Bolts @ Pats

We’ll be keeping a close eye on the Yankees game up in Toronto as well to see if Mariano gets a shot at setting the all-time Saves record with #602 today.

Enjoy the day, people. We’ll drop in when we can.