11:23 PM: OK, the big one… OhmyfuckingFSM… seriously? Muy, muy terrible. “We’re gonna go play another song, because we like music…” Really? Didn’t notice. And that’s a wrap. Goodnight, everyone.
11:05 PM: Holy shit, Marc Anthony is wasted. As was the award for Record of the Year. Lady Friggin’ Antebellum. The horror.
10:55 PM: That tickled me, hearing Eminem thank Paul Rosenberg. All I could think of were all those skits from Marshall Mathers. “Um… Dre gave me a copy of the new album and I just… *sigh* … Fuck it.”
10:50 PM: I was just about to ask if the full orchestra was really necessary for Streisand. Then I listened to her voice and was like, oh, OK.
10:43 PM: They just showed a movie trailer for (Little) “Red Riding Hood”. It was not a parody. I repeat: It was not a parody.
10:39 PM: Who’s this geriatric trying to act like a rock star?
10:35 PM: Going through the People Who Died montage, they show Dio and the singer from the Knack at the same time. Who gets the audio? One of the most recognizable vocalists ever? No, the lead from the band that is the paradigmatic “one-hit wonder”. Ugh.
10:30 PM: Playing music behind President of the Academy Guy doesn’t make him any less tedious.
10:19 PM: Holy shit is Eminem intense. Good to see he’s got his mojo back.
10:15 PM: Paging Nightshift: Your girl is on…
9:59 PM: Aw, c’mon, Katy. Seriously, with this boring shit? California Gurls, dammit!
9:47 PM: It has been so odd to observe the arc of Cee Lo Green’s — hold on, Gwyneth Paltrow is on my TV…. – OK, where was I? Oh yeah: Guy busts out with an internet ear-worm titled “Fuck You!” which becomes popular in large part because the chorus is “FUCK You!”, then gets invited to all sorts of shows where he cannot perform said song in its unadulterated form but must instead belt out “ForGET You!” It just perfectly captures everything that’s wrong with our society’s awkward relationship with swearing.
9:45 PM: Kings of Leon enlisted to give out a country award. I find that amusing. Also, Lady Antebellum sucks.
9:31 PM: Tracy and I both liked Mumford & Sons immediately. I will definitely be downloading them tomorrow.
9:26 PM: Watching this really is making me appreciate just how much a host ties an awards show together.
9:10 PM: I used to think the most nauseating thing about Justin Bieber was when he tried to act sexy. I was wrong. The most nauseating thing about Justin Bieber is him trying to act tough.
9:07 PM: So we have Usher to blame for the Bieber. I did not know that.
8:55 PM: I did not catch this woman’s name who’s singing right now, but she was on the Grammy’s last year with the exact same hairdo. It looks like she has a hair battering ram sticking off the front of her head. I wonder if it’s sat up there unchanged for the last twelve months. [ed: Apparently that is Janelle Monáe.]
8:54 PM: Help! My television’s broken!
8:45 PM: Forty five minutes in, one award handed out. Ladies and gentlemen… The Grammys!
8:39 PM: Uprising is a great fucking song – possibly the only good song Muse has ever recorded – but WTF was with the Gadsden flag kicking off the video? They’re not Wingers, are they?
8:36 PM: Hey, some horrible country chick is dragging her nails across a blackboard! Good time to work on our re-fi application…
8:25 PM: No, seriously, there are young children still up at this hour. Those shoulder implants are going to give them nightmares. Me too, quite possibly.
8:24 PM: Tracy: She was born with those shoulders?
8:21 PM: Nice! A song I like (“Hey, Soul Sister”) actually won an award! That never happens. And yes, I like Train. Sue me.
8:16 PM: Ha! So we’re sitting here checking out Jennifer Hudson and Tracy’s like “Wow, she’s lost a TON of weight!” First commercial of the first commercial break? Jennifer Hudson for Weight Watchers. Well played.
8:05 PM: Christina Aguilera was seriously busting out the Cookie Monster voice there. Hate, hate, hate when female soul/R&B diva types go to the Cookie Monster.
8:02 PM: Not a fan of starting an award show with a special tribute. Also, is there a host? What an odd, awkward way to kick things off.
7:55 PM: Check one-two. Check one-two. (tap-tap-tap) OK then. The 2011 Grammy Awards are about to get underway and I’m ready for the sordid (and rigged) spectacle to begin. Here I am now. Entertain me.